The Fault in His Stars
by Wallflower95
Summary: "The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars but in ourselves that we are underlings." The Fault in Our Stars told from Augustus's POV. Also some added scenes from my story 'Their Little Infinity.
1. Prologue

**Hi there! I am Wallflower95 and I am the author of Their Little Infinity (TFIOS), Anna's Infinity (TFIOS), Convergent (Divergent Trilogy), The Beauty That Remains (Doctor Who), The Phoenix: Origin Story (X-Men) and Here I Lie (Hunger Games). This will be my 7th fanfic story and my 3rd Fault in Our Stars story.**

**So at the moment I'm writing six fanfics and I wasn't going to publish this one for a while but I've been working on it for a bit and making edits here and there and you know I really wanted to share it with everyone. It'll be crazy busy writing all these fanifcs but you know what I don't really mind:)**

**Yes I am a huge fan of tfios and I just thought we know Hazel's side of the story and thanks to tfioschangedmylife (author of The Fault in Their Stars) we know Isaac's side of the story. What about that crooked smiled metaphor smoking boy we fell in love with inside the Literal Heart of Jesus? The one and only Augustus Waters:)**

**This is The Fault in Our Stars told from Gus's pov. There will be some new scenes. If you've read my story Their Little Infinity then you'll know about them. Also there is a prologue featuring Caroline Mathers (Gus's old girlfriend). Hope you like it! Please comment and review. I'd really appreciate all you feedback.**

**Okay?**

**~Wallflower95**

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

I wish this could be a happy story. A story about a guy who gets the girl and they fall in love and everyone is happy. Then again that sounds like a corny chick flick so let's rewind. I wish this could be like my favorite video game, Counterinsurgence. A story of honor, heroism and sacrifice. About leaving a mark in the world. But that is not the case. You see, the world is not exactly a wish granting factory. It's a lesson that I was soon about to learn. Who am I? My name is Augustus Waters and this is my story.

I will spare you the gory and kind of pathetic details of my sad little cancer miracle. They found it a few months ago. Told me it was Osteosarcoma. It's about unpleasant as it sounds. It all started with that pain in my leg. Luckily, the doctors at the memorial hospital had a plan to get rid of my cancer. How you may ask? By chopping off my leg. Yep. I had to get my leg amputated. So yes it sucks that I have to go through that and lose a leg but the doctors kept telling me I had a 90% chance of recovery afterward (10% being if the cancer liked me it would come back and take the rest of me). My chance were pretty high and my number looked good but hey it's better to be safe then sorry. When they diagnosed me (I had just turned sixteen at the time). I looked at my dad and asked him.

"Can we go look at suits?" So my dad drove me to the store and we bought this really nice black suit. In other words, my death suit. Then I asked my parents if I could pick a place to buried if I ended up in the nasty 10% group. I don't think my parents understood my reason for doing all this. I'm not even sure I understood what I was doing. All I knew was that I want to be prepared. Just in case.

I am now at my school. North Central High School in wonderful Indianna. I was alone. Just shooting some hoops. Yes I play basketball and yeah I'm not bad. Today is my last day of dual leggedness. I was just about to shoot another hoop when I paused.

_This is so stupid._ I thought. I may be good at basketball but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I never really did like it. I just did it because... well. Just cause. I also think it's stupid to be shooting a circular object through a toroidal object. Like, how stupid is that? Why am I doing this on my last day with two legs? I sighed and threw the basketball away. I heard my phone ring from within my bag and I knew it was time. I grabbed my bag. My parents were waiting for me outside of school. I looked down at my legs. I would sure missing seeing two legs down there.

"Nice knowing you rightie." I said. And I got into the car that would take me to the dreaded surgery.

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><p>It's been a week since the surgery. I was officially NEC (No evidence of cancer) huzzah! Yes I had to lose a leg in the process but you know what? I'm here and I still get another shot in life. I have a new philosophy in life now. You have to live it and make the world remember you. You have to leave your mark in the world and that is what I was going to do. I was just sitting in bed. Watching The Matrix. My bed is right next to the window and my view from the window is this little playground the hospital has. Since I woke up I've looked outside every day to see if kids were out there playing on it but it was always empty. Today I looked out there and to my surprise there was someone out there on the swing. I lifted my head up and leaned forwards a bit. It was a girl. I couldn't tell how old as her back was facing me. She had dark long hair and she was wearing shoes, a hospital gown and a light purple housecoat. She just sat there on the swing. She swung forwards and backwards slowly. I looked at her curiously.<p>

Jenna, my nurse came in to check my vitals. I pointed outside.

"Do you know who that is?" I asked. Jenna looked outside and shrugged her shoulders.

"Not sure hun." She said and she took my temperature. I looked at her and showed her my famous crooked smile.

"Can you please find out Jenna?" I like Jenna. She's probably the only nurse I've ever really liked. She's quite young. About twenty-two with orange hair and bright blue, kind eyes. She was slightly bigger but it really suited her. She tried hard not to smile.

"I have to check you vitals Augustus." She said. She was trying hard not to give in.

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?" She broke out in a smile and laughed.

"Oh fine you got me." She said. She made a few notes on her clipboard and then took a peek outside. The girl was still out there on the swing. All alone. Jenna turned back to me.

"You owe me big time Waters." She said with a smile.

"You're the best Jenna!" I called out as she walked out the door.

"You know it!" She called back. I leaned back and smiled. My parents were working so I was spending the night at the hospital on my own. Every few hours someone would come in to check up on me. Jenna didn't come until the next day in the afternoon. I heard a knock at the door and I saw Jenna.

"Augustus, I believe you wanted to see this young lady." Behind Jenna was the girl from the swing set. She was about my age with long dark hair and brown eyes. She had smooth olive colored skin. She kind of looked italian to me. I put on my charming crooked smile.

"Please, sit." The girl looked at Jenna and then sat down in the chair next to my bed. She was really pretty. No she was gorgeous. Jenna smiled at the two of us and then she left the room.

"I'm Augustus Waters." I said, introducing myself. I held out my hand towards her. She frowned at it. I put it down.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Caroline. Caroline Mathers." She said.

"What's your full name?" She frowned at me but said it anyway.

"Caroline Ann Mathers." She said.

"Nice to meet you Caroline Ann." I said. She smiled at me and right then and there things started to change for me.

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><p>Sometimes things aren't meant to be. While I was better and recovering, Caroline would always sick. I soon learned she had a cancerous brain tumor and the doctors didn't give her long to live. A week after we had met, we were both released from the hospital and we spent every minute together. She was smart and funny and beautiful. Two weeks after hospital release she asked me to go too her house for dinner.<p>

"What should I wear?" I asked over the phone. Caroline laughed on the other end.

"Wear whatever you want." She said.

"But what if I choose something your parents hate and then they throw me out for wearing a stupid outfit or something." I said. Caroline laughed.

"Fine wear a duck costume." She said.

"Ha ha very funny."

"Seriously wear whatever you're comfortable in. I'll see you in a bit." In the end I decided to go with a red and white but down plaid shirt with dark jeans and my black converse shoes. Caroline's house wasn't too far from mine so I walked. Before going to their house I dropped by the drug store to get some flowers. When I knocked on the door it was answered by a little boy who looked just like Caroline.

"Caroline! Your boyfriend is here!" He yelled and then he ran into the house. Caroline came to the door. She was wearing an orange dress with a small brown sweater. Her black hair was tied up in a loose braid.

"Hey." I breathed out. She smiled.

"Hey you." She said. I stepped inside. It hasn't been established that we were boyfriend and girlfriend yet. Yes we've spent every day together since getting out of the hospital but we haven't kissed or anything yet. She took my hand and lead me into the kitchen.

"Mom, dad this is Augustus Waters." Mr. and Mrs. Mathers were super nice. Mrs. Mathers had the same dark hair, brown eyes and olive complexion as her daughter. Caroline's brother jumped around me.

"Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?" He asked.

"I'm Augustus. Who are you?" I asked.

"I'm Tim." He said. I smiled down at him.

"Hey that's a pretty cool car you got there." I said, pointing at the yellow camaro in his hand. He lifted it up fr me to see.

"It's a transformer. Watch." He played around with it until he turned it into Bumblebee from Transformers. I laughed.

"That's pretty cool." Tim smiled at me. It was nice dinner. Caroline's parents asked me about school and about my health. Usually I didn't like to share details about my cancerous past as it is done and over with. Why couldn't I just forget about it? Would cancer be a part of my life now? Once the dishes were cleared Caroline took my hand.

"We're gonna go too my room now." She said without waiting for an answer. She lead me upstairs. The voice of her family disappeared and we went into her room. She closed the door and turned on the light. It was pretty simple. A bed, desk and chair, bookcase and a closet. There was a bulletin board on the wall with pictures of her and her friends. I looked at them.

"I should be up there." I said with a smile, pointed to the bulletin board. Caroline walked over.

"Hmm yeah I guess I should put you on there." She said. She stepped closer. She smelled nice. Like lavender. I smiled down at her. I took her hand and laced my fingers through hers. She smiled. I've always thought that the spaces in between you fingers were created so another could fill them. Sounds corny yes but it's so true. Caroline stood up on her toe and I leaned down a little so our lips touched. It was nice and slow. Our eyes closed. She reached for my neck and I pulled her closer. She smiled against my lip and I picked her up. She laughed.

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><p>We had a real relationship going on for a while. It was always me and Caroline. We saw each other every day. Of course, things always get in the way of happiness. There is no cure for Caroline's cancer. It's a tumor. There was nothing to be done. She got worse. They started chemo and radiation but it didn't work. Caroline lost her hair and they tried a few surgeries before finally giving up. I sat next to her on the hospital bed. Stroking her bald head. My hand touching the scar on her head.<p>

"Will you still love me when I'm gone?" She whispered. I leaned down and kissed her on top of her head.

"Always and forever." I said. That was the last day Caroline was Caroline. The tumor got worse. The doctors at memorial refer to Caroline's tumor as the 'asshole' tumor. Basically it turns you into a monster. She got moody and got pissed of very easily. Sometimes she'd scream at me even. I eventually started referring to her as 'Hulk Smash'. We were sitting outside on the swings set in front of the hospital. The very same swing set I first saw Caroline Mathers on. We were just sitting there quietly when she started laughing hysterically. She pointed down at me leg.

"What?" I asked.

"Hello stumpy." She said. I rolled my eyes but then smiled. I've heard that joke over and over again for the past few months. It was seriously getting old.

"Yep I'm stumpy." I said.

"Augustus has great legs." She said and then she laughed out loud.

"I mean leg." She laughed like a maniac. Months went by and she just got worse and worse and I dealt with it. I wanted to go but how in the world can you dump a dying girl? That's just so wrong. Plus I really like her family and I know they like me so I couldn't do that to them. It took a long time. Everyone suffered. It was a long and slow process. On that very day, I sat beside her hospital bed. She had been a unconscious for a few hours. Her eyes slowly opened. She was no longer the fit and beautiful girl I once knew. She lay there, pale and smile. Dark shadows were under her eyes. She was breathing heavily. She looked at me, her eyelids threatening to close but she managed to keep them open.

"Hey you." She whispered. I smiled at her and held her hand.

"Hey." I whispered. And she just looked at me and I looked at her and then her eyes closed and her hand went limp and I knew she was gone. Of course my girlfriend's death upset me. I didn't come out of my room for three days. And then I had to go too her funeral. It was depressing as hell but you know what? I'm glad she finally let go. It was painful for me and her family to watch her suffer and I'm sure it was the same for her. You can't always hold on to things in life. Eventually you have to move on. And that is what I had to do.

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><p><strong>Hope you all liked that! please comment and review guys. i would love to hear all feedback:)<strong>

**~Wallflower95**


	2. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone!:) Thank you so much for commenting all your reviews mean the world to me. Hope you all like the chapter! Please comment and review again. Thanks guys.**

**~Wallflower95**

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><p><strong>1<strong>

**10 months later...**

People who've had a brush with death usually go on in life with a bucket list in their hands. They say they need it in case death stares them in the eyes again. Me? After my near death experience I do the greatest of all things. Sleep in until 3pm in the afternoon on a Wednesday. Yes I want to be remembered and make leave my mark in the world but hey everyone needs to sleep in and be a lazy ass once in a while. I probably wouldn't have woken up if it hadn't been for my friend Isaac. My phone started singing my favorite video game theme song. I groaned and snatched my phone from my bedside table.

"Hello?" I grumbled. An air horn went off on the other end. I nearly fell out of bed.

"Jesus christ. What the hell?" I said.

"You shouldn't say all those words in the same paragraph." Isaac said. I groaned.

"Yeah well my friend shouldn't set an air horn off in my ear." I said.

"Noted for the future." Isaac said.

"What's up?"

"It's support group today. In three hours." Are you still coming?" Isaac asked. I groaned.

"Right. Yeah man I'll be there." I said. See, my friend Isaac was diagnosed with this extremely unheard of eye cancer. One eyes was take out a while back but now he has relapsed and it has put his remaining eyes in absolute peril. That's the thing about cancer. It keeps coming back until there's nothing left.

"Good." Isaac said sounding pleased with himself. Isaac has been trying to get me to with him to this cancer support group for weeks. I didn't understand why he subjected himself to the torture. Support is not supportive at all. It's a depressing group of people with the killing disease and the only thing they all had in common was that they were all just waiting until cancer came back for them. But Isaac wanted me to go and I'm a good friend so I said I'd go.

"Okay dude. I'll see you in a bit." I said.

"Lates." Isaac said. I stopped.

"Really? Did you really just say that?"

"Too much?" Isaac asked.

"Little bit."

"Okay. See ya." And he hung up. I shook my head. That kid.

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><p>At 5:20pm I came out of my room with an unlit cigarette hanging from my mouth. My parents were at the kitchen table with their laptops in front of them. My mom sighed.<p>

"Augustus I really wish you'd stop messing around with cigarettes." She said in her best mom voice. I smiled and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek.

"It's completely harmless mom. It's not even lit." My dad shook his head.

"I still don't get that whole thing." He said.

"It's quite simple. You put the killing thing in your mouth but you don't give it the power to do it's killing. It's a metaphor. Get it?" I looked at both of their blank expressions. I shrugged my shoulders.

"I'm heading to Isaac's dumb support group." I said.

"Have fun." Mom said. I faked a laugh.

"Sure mom." The support group was being held at a church not too far from my house. I jerked and sped into the parking lot outside the church. I slammed my foot on the break and I flew forwards. The seat belt locked and my head hit the head rest. I groaned. One of the many unfortunate things about old prosty is that I can't feel any pressure in it therefore driving kinda sucks. The only reason I have my license today is because of a cancer perk. I turned off the ignition and walked inside. I followed some support group looking people down to the basement. On my left was a table with a sad selection of store bought cookie and lemonade in paper cups.

"Hey." Isaac clapped his hand on my shoulder. Here's how you describe Isaac. He's tall and skinny with blonde hair brushed over his glass eye. He wore big chunky glasses that magnified the real eye. The one in mortal peril.

"Why do you come to this? It looks like a torture chamber." I said, gesturing to the sad group of chairs in the middle of the room. Isaac laughed.

"Believe it or not Augustus I like talking to people other than you." He said.

"Dude I'd rather talk to myself than be here." I said. Isaac smiled. Isaac and I sat down in the circle of ridiculously small chairs.

"Of course you would." I was facing the table when I saw her. She turned and I stared. I just stared at her. The ghost of Caroline Mathers.

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><p>She saw me looking at her. Usually when you're caught looking at someone it's just smart to just look away and pretend it never happened. I didn't do that. I just continued to stare at her. She looked exactly like her when she was sick. Except for those eyes. Her eyes were green. She had short brown hair that looked like it hadn't been brushed in forever. She wore baggy jeans and a yellow shirt that advertised a band I've never even heard of. She wore chuck taylors on her feet and she had the handle of an oxygen tank in her hand. The cannula wrapped around her ears and the nubbins in her nose. She looked away. A part of me wished for her to look back at me.<p>

She looked back and I still stared. She probably though I was assaulting her or something with my stare. Can you rape someone with your eyes? I don't even know. I just stared. She walked into the circle of chair and sat down across from me and Isaac. Isaac didn't seem to notice my stare down with the Caroline look alike. She looked away just a moment to check her phone. Then I was woken from my dream like state by the older guy. We chanted something stupid. _God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference._ And then I looked back at her. She was pretty. Really pretty. Not only was she just gorgeous but she was also staring at me with extreme intensity.

It was the ultimate stare down going on. I heard in the backround that the older guy was named Patrick and that he was telling us about his cancer. Let's shorten up his story and spare you the gory details. The dude had cancer in his balls. They thought he would die but he didn't so now he's probably a gaming bum with nothing but this support group. I finally decided to give up and show her one of my best crooked smiles. I looked away for a moment. When I looked back at her she flicked her eyebrows up as if to say _I win._

"Isaac, perhaps you like to go first today. I know you're facing a challenging time." Patrick said.

"Yeah." Isaac said.

"I'm Isaac. I'm seventeen and it's looking like I have to get surgery in a couple of weeks after which I'll be blind. Not to complain or anything because I know a lot of us have it worse but yeah, I mean, being blind does sorta suck. My girlfriend helps though. And friends like Augustus." Isaac nodded towards me.

"So yeah. There's nothing you can do about it." Isaac said.

"We're here for you Isaac. Let Isaac hear it guys." Patrick said.

"We're here for you Isaac." Everyone chanted. A few other people went on talking about their cancer stories. Michael with Leukemia, Lida who had appendiceal cancer. Just a few more before I became Patrick's next target.

"My name is Augustus Waters. I'm seventeen. I had a little touch of Osteosarcoma a year and a half ago but I'm just here today at Isaa'cs request." I said.

"And how are you feeling?" Patrick said.

"Oh I'm grand. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up my friend." I said with my crooked smile." And then it was her turn.

"My name is Hazel. I'm sixteen. Thyroid with mets in my lungs. I'm okay." Everyone else went on with their stories of battle and loss. The two of us stayed quiet throughout most of it.

"Augustus, perhaps youd like to share your fears with the group." Patrick said.

"My fears?"

"Yes."

"I fear oblivion." I said.

"I fear it like the proverbial blind man who's afraid of the dark." I said with a smile on my face.

"Too soon." Isaac said, cracking a smile.

"Was that insensitive? I can be pretty blind to other people's feelings." I said. Isaac laughed out loud but Patrick didn't give up.

"Augustus, please. Let's return to you and your struggles. You said you fear oblivion?"

"I did." I said. Patrick seemed lost.

"Would, uh, would anyone like to speak to that?" And then she raised her hand. I sat forwards a little bit.

"Hazel!" Patrick said. She looked a little uncomfortable raising her hand. She took a deep breath and started speaking.

"There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this"- she gestured around the room.

"will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soo and maybe it is a million years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was time before organisms experienced consciousness and there will be time after and if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that's what everyone else does."

Everyone was quiet as they all processed her words of wisdom. I broke out in a huge smile.

"Goddamn aren't you something else."

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><p><strong>Hope that was to your liking:) gosh I love Augustus! I have a huge fangirl crush on him (but then again who doesn't?) stay tuned for chapter 3!<strong>

**~Wallflower95**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone!:) Everyone have a great Halloween? Lots of candy?**

**LeighEight: ahhh those guys are my fangirl crushes to! I was so upset when Uriah died in the end:( I have a lot of fangirl crushes actually**

**Jace Herondale (fromt mortal instruments series), Augustus Waters (from fault in our stars), Park (from Eleanor & Park), Eragon (from Eragon), Pudge (from looking for Alaska), Charlie (from perks of being a wallflower), 11th Doctor (from Doctor Who), Sherlock (from Sherlock tv show), Percy Jackson (percy jackson series), Uriah (from Divergent) and of course Four/Tobias from divergent:)**

**Who are your fangirl crushes?**

**Enjoy the chapter!**

**~Wallflower95**

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><p><strong>2<strong>

Neither of us said anything for the rest of the support group. Patrick recited another chant and then read the names lost in the battle against cancer from a list. The list was depressingly long. When it was all done I immediately headed over to her. I towered over her.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Hazel."

"No, your full name."

"Um, Hazel Grace Lancaster." I looked her up and down. She really did look like Caroline. But there was something different. I was about to say something when Isaac showed up at my side.

"Hold on." I said, raising one finger. I turned to Isaac.

"That was actually worse than you made it out to be." I said.

"I told you it was bleak."

"Why do you bother?"

"I don't know. It kind of helps?" I leaned towards Isaac so Hazel Grace wouldn't hear.

"She's a regular?"

"Yeah. Look dude, I know she looks like Caroline." He whispered.

"I'll say." I muttered. I took Isaac by both shoulders a half step away from him and smile at Hazel Grace.

"Tell Hazel about clinic." Isacc leaned against the snack table that bent at his extra weight. I thought the damn thing would collapse.

"Okay, so I went into clinic this morning and I was telling my surgeon that I'd rather be deaf than blind and he said 'it doesn't work that way' and I was like 'yeah I realize it doesn't work that way; I'm just saying I'd rather be deaf than blind' and he said 'well, the good news is that you won't be deaf' and I was like 'thank you for explaining that my eye cancer isn't going to make me deaf. I feel so fortunate that an intellectual giant like yourself would deign to operate on me."

"He sounds like a winner." Hazel Grace said.

"I'm gonna get me some eye cancer so I can make this guy's acquaintance."

"Good luck with that." All right, I should go. Monica's waiting for me. I gotta look her a lot while I can."

"Counterinsurgence tomorrow?" I asked.

"Definitely." Isaac turned and ran up the steps, taking them two at a time. I turned to Hazel Grace.

"Literally."

"Literally?" She questioned.

"We are literally in the heart of Jesus. I thought we were in a church basement but we are literally in the heart of Jesus."

"Someone should tell Jesus. I mean, it's gotta be dangerous storing children with cancer in your heart." Hazel said. I smiled at her.

"I would tell Him myself but unfortunately I am literally stuck inside of His heart so He won't be able to hear me." I flashed my crooked smile. Hazel laughed. I shook my head as I looked at her.

"What?" She asked.

"Nothing." I said.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I half smiled at her.

"Because you're beautiful. I enjoy looking at beautiful people and I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence." A brief and frankly quite awkward moment passed.

"I mean, particularly given that, as you so deliciously pointed out, all of this will end in oblivion and everything." I said. Hazel Grace scoffed or coughed or something and started to say;

"I'm not beaut-"

"You're like a millennial Natalie Portman. Like _V for Vendetta_ Natalie Portman."

"Never seen it." Hazel Grace said.

"Really? Pixie haired gorgeous girl, dislikes authority and can't help but fall for a boy she knows is trouble. It's your autobiography so far as I can tell." I said. I watched Hazel Grace mull it over. A young girl passed by us.

"How's it going Ailsa?" I asked. She smiled and mumbled.

"Hi Augustus." I saw Hazel Grace look at me.

"Memorial people." I said.

"Where do you go?"

"Children's."

"Well." Hazel Grace nodded towards the steps leading out of the Literal Heart of Jesus.

"So, see you next time maybe?" But I changed the subject.

"You should see it. V for Vendetta, I mean."

"Okay. I'll look it up."

"No. With me. At my house. Now." I said with a crooked smile. Hazel Grace stopped walking midsteps and looked right at me.

"I hardly know you Augustus Waters. You could be an axe murderer." I nodded.

"True enough, Hazel Grace." I walked past her up the stairs. It was an awkward climb for me. Stairs are always fun for me and old prosty. We stood in the parking lot as I figured she was waiting for her ride. I glanced over to two people who were practically mashed together against the stone wall of the church building. It was Isaac and his girlfriend Monica.

"Always. Always." The two of them kept saying that to each other. I prevented myself from rolling my eyes.

"They're big believers in PDA." I whispered to Hazel Grace.

"What's with the 'always'?" Hazel Grace asked as the awful slurping sounds intensified.

"Always is their thing. They'll always love each other and whatever. I would conservatively estimate they have texted each other the word always four million times in the last year." Cars drove by and picked other member from the support group until until it was just me, Hazel Grace and the two lovebirds. Out of no where Isaac reached with his hand and grabbed Monica's boob. I wanted to facepalm right then and there.

"Imagine taking that last drive to the hospital. The last time you'll ever drive a car." Hazel Grace said. I kept looking at Isaac and Monica.

"You're killing my vibe here Hazel Grace. I'm trying to observe young love in its many splendor-ed awkwardness."

"I think he's hurting her boob." Hazel Grace said.

"Yes. It's difficult to ascertain whether he is trying to arouse her or perform a breast exam." I then reached into my pocket and pulled out my pack of cigarettes.

"Are you serious?" Hazel Grace exclaimed. I looked at her.

"You think that's cool? Oh my go you just ruined the whole thing."

"Which whole thing?"

"The whole thing where a boy who is not unattractive or unintelligent or seemingly in anyway acceptable stares at me and points out incorrect uses of literality and compares me to actresses and asks me to watch a movie at his house. But of course there is always a harmatia and yours is that oh my god. Even though you HAD FREAKING CANCER you give money to a company in exchange for the chance to acquire YET MORE CANCER. Oh my god. Let me just assure you that not being able to breathe? SUCKS. Totally disappointing. Totally."

"A harmatia?" I asked. The cigarette dancing in my mouth.

"A fatal flaw." Hazel Grace said. She stepped toward the curb and I heard a car start up. It must be her ride. Right as her ride pulled up and she was just about to reach for the car door I grabbed her hand. She yanked it away.

"They don't kill you unless you light them." I said. Hazel Grace looked at me.

"And I've never lit one. It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth but you don't give it the power to do it's killing." I said. Hazel Grace's eyebrow went up.

"It's a metaphor." She said.

"It's a metaphor." I said with a crooked smile.

"You choose your behaviors based on their metaphorical resonances..." She said.

"Oh yes. I'm a big believer in metaphor, Hazel Grace." Hazel Grace turned toward the car and tapped on the window. Who I assumed was her mom leaned forwards.

"I'm going to a movie with Augustus Waters. Please record the next several episodes of ANTM marathon for me."

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><p>I was trying extremely hard to drive safe and to not scare the shit out of Hazel Grace but so far it wasn't working out for me. Everything happened with a tremendous jolt and I saw Hazel Grace fly forwards and hit her seat belt a few times. I winced.<p>

"I failed my driving test three times." I said.

"You don't say." I laughed and nodded.

"Well, I can't feel pressure in old prosty and I can't get the hang of driving left footed. My doctors say most amputees can drive with no problem but... yeah. Not me. Anyway, I go for my fourth driving test and it goes about like this is going." A half a mile ahead of us a light turned red and I slammed on the brakes. Hazel Grace flew forwards again.

"Sorry. I swear to God I am trying to be gentle. Right, so anyway at the end of the test, I totally thought I'd failed again but the instructor was like 'Your driving is unpleasant, but it isn't technically unsafe.'"

"I'm not sure I agree." She said.

"I suspect Cancer Perk." Cancer Perks are these things that regular kids don't get. Its basically a way of regular people telling us they feel bad for us and the only way they can make it better for us is to give us something special.

"Yeah." The light turned green and I slammed on the gas.

"You know they've got hand controls for people who can't use their legs." Hazel Grace said.

"Yeah, maybe someday." I said. I'm sure Hazel Grace must have thought that comment was odd. How could a guy like me who happened to be in the 90% good side of Cancer possibly think about still biting from it? The truth is you can never know what will happen.

"So, are you in school?" Hazel Grace asked.

"Yeah. I'm at North Central. A year behind though. I'm a sophomore. You?" Sometimes when you're parents think you're going to bite from it soon they pull you at of school. I may have had cancer but my parents kept me in school cause they thought education was important.

"No, my parents pulled withdrew me three years ago."

"Three years?" And then she broke down her cancer story.

"I was thirteen when the found it. I was diagnosed with stage IV thyroid cancer. We were told it was incurable. I had this surgery called radical neck dissection which is about as unpleasant as it sounds. Then they started radiation and chemo. The tumors shrank then grew. By then, I was fourteen. My lungs started to fill up with water and I was looking pretty dead. Pretty soon I ended up in the ICU with pneumonia and right then and there I thought that was it. Then my regular Dr. Maria came, emptied the some of the water in my lungs and they decided to try this drug called Phalaxifor. It was a trial drug famous in the Republic of Cancervania for not working. It doesn't work in about 70% of people but for some reason it works for me. So the tumors shrank and they stayed shrunk. Honestly Phalaxifor only purchased me some more time." She said. I tried to change the subject. I assumed that Hazel Grace didn't exactly like sharing her cancer story as did I.

"So now you gotta go back to school." I said.

"I actually can't." She said.

"Because I already got my GED. So I'm taking classes at MCC."

"A college girl. That explains the aura of sophistication." I smirked and Hazel Grace shoved my arm. We made a wheel screeching stop in the driveway in front of my house. We headed inside. I was taking off my jacket when I noticed Hazel Grace looking at the encouragements on the wall.

"My parents call them encouragements. They're everywhere." Mom and dad didn't seem phased at all that I brought a girl home with me.

"Hi Gus." Mom said.

"This is Hazel Grace." I said, introducing her.

"Just Hazel." Hazel Grace said.

"How's it going, Hazel?" My dad asked.

"Okay." I said.

"How was Isaac's support group?" Mom asked.

"It was incredible."

"You're such a Debbie Downer." Mom said,

"Hazel do you enjoy it?" Hazel Grace took a moment to think about her words.

"Most of the people are really nice." She said. I smiled and nodded.

"That's exactly what we found with families at Memorial when we were in the thick of it with Gus's treatment. Everybody was so kind. Strong too. In the darkest days the Lord puts the best people into your life."

"Quick, give me a throw pillow and some thread because that needs to be an encouragement." I said. MY dad looked annoyed. I put my arm around him.

"I'm just kidding Dad. I like the freaking encouragements. I really do. I just can't admit it because I'm a teenager." My dad rolled his eyes.

"You're joining us for dinner I hope?" My mom asked Hazel Grace.

"I guess?" Hazel Grace cleared her throat.

"Also, I don't, um eat meat?"

"No problem. We'll vegetarinize some." She said.

"Animals just too cute?"

"I want to minimize the number of deaths I am responsible for." She said. Awkward silence.

"Well I think that's wonderful." Mom said. Mom and dad kept going on about curfews and food and pointless things.

"Hazel and I are going to watch V for Vendetta so she can see her filmie doppelganger, mid two thousands Natalie Portman."

"The living room tv is your for watching." Dad said.

"I think we're actually gonna watch it in the basement." Dad laughed.

"Good try. Living room."

"But I want to show Hazel Grace the basement."

"Just Hazel." Hazel Grace put in.

"So show Just Hazel the basement and then come upstairs and watch your movie in the living room." I puffed out my cheeks and twisted myself around.

"Fine." I mumbled. I might be acting a little immature, yes. I mean, its not like I was gonna go down there and make out with her. I just wanted to show her around. Honest! Once we were downstairs I flipped on the light. Hazel Grace looked at all of my shelves covered in basketball trophies.

"I used to play basketball." I explained.

"You must've been pretty good."

"I wasn't bad, but all the shoes and the balls are Cancer Perks." I walked towards the tv in my room and looked through my collection of Dvds until I spotted V for Vendetta.

"I was like the prototypical white hoosier. I was all about resurrecting the lost art of midrange jumper, but then one day I was shooting free throws-just standing at the foul line at the North Central gym shooting from a rack of balls. All at once I couldn't figure out why I was methodically tossing a spherical object through a torodial object. It seemed like the stupidest thing I could possibly be doing."

"I started thinking about little kids putting a cylindrical peg through a circular hole and how they do it over and over again for months when they figure it out and how basketball was basically just a slightly more aerobic version of that same exercise. Anyway, for the longest time, I just kept sinking the free throws. I hit eighty in a row, my all time best but as I kept going I felt more and more like a two year old and then for some reason I started to think about hurdlers. Are you okay?" I noticed Hazel Grace looked a little pale and she sat down on the bed.

"I'm fine. Just listening. Hurdlers?" She said.

"Yeah, hurdlers. I don't know why. I started thinking about them running their hurdle races and jumping over these totally arbitrary objects that had been set in their path and I wondered if hurdlers ever thought, 'this would be so much easier without the hurdles."

"This was before your diagnosis?"

"Right well, there was that too." I smiled.

"The day of the existentially fraught free throws was coincidentally my last day of dual leggedness. I had a weekend between when they scheduled the amputation and when it happened. My own little glimpse of what Isaac is going through."

"Do you have siblings?"

"Huh?"

"You said something about watching kids play."

"Oh yeah, no. I have nephews,from my half sisters. But they're older. They're like- DAD HOW OLD ARE JULIE AND MARTHA?"

"Twenty eight!"

"They're like twenty eight. The live in Chicago. They are both married to very fancy lawyer dudes. I can't remember. You have siblings?" She shook her head.

"So, what's your story?" I asked her.

"I already told you my story. I was diagnosed when I was-"

"No, not your cancer story. Your story. Intrests, hobbies, passions, weird fetishes, etcetera."

"Um..."

"Don't tell me you're one of those people who becomes their disease. I know so many people like that. It's disheartening. Like, cancer is in the growth business right? The taking people over business. But surely yo haven't let it succeed prematurely." I said, looking at her. She took a moment to think.

"I am pretty unextraordinary."

I reject that out of hand. Think of something you like. The first thing that comes to mind." I said.

"Um. Reading?"

"What do you read?"

"Everything. From like hideous romance to pretentious fiction to poetry. Whatever."

"Do you write poetry?"

"No. I don't write."

"There!" I exclaimed.

"Hazel Grace you are the only teenager in America who prefers reading poetry to writing it. This tells me so much. You read a lot of capital G great books, don't you?"

"I guess?"

"What's your favorite?"

"Um." It took her a moment. She practically had the name of the book on her tongue but for some reason she didn't look like she wanted to share it. As if the book was hers and hers alone.

"My favorite book is An Imperial Affliction." She said.

"Does it feature zombies?"

"No."

"Stormtroopers?" She shook her head.

"It's not that kind of book." She said. I smiled at her.

"I am going to read this terrible book with the boring title that does not contain stormtroopers." I said. I walked over to my bookshelf and grabbed one of my favorite books.

"All I ask in exchange is that you read this brilliant and haunting novelization of my favorite video game." I gave the book to her. I felt like I was handing something very special to her. In the exchange our hands got tangled together.

"Cold." I said as I pressed a finger to her pale wrist.

"Not cold so much as underoxygenated." She said. I smiled at her.

"I love it when you talk medical to me." I stood up and pulled her up with me and we headed upstairs.

* * *

><p><strong>That's all for now guys. I spent a long time typing this up. Will try and update soon! Please comment and review:)<strong>

**Okay?**

**~Wallflower95**


	4. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! So sorry this chapter took some time. I've been super busy this week. I would just like to say to the guest: I apologize for any spelling errors, grammar mistakes, etc. Of course I always try and take the time to go back and fix them but I sometimes can't fix everything. I'm not perfect and I have never said I was. Everyone makes mistakes. We just have to learn from them!:)**

**enjoy the chapter:)**

**~Wallflower95**

**p.s great fangirl crushes everyone:)**

* * *

><p><strong>3<strong>

The movie played before us. We were sitting in the living room watching V for Vendetta. There was several inches between us. I tried to keep my eyes on the tv even though I'd seen the movie millions of times. I just really want to look at Hazel Grace but of course that'd be super creepy of me so I resisted the urge to look at her. She even put her hand in the middle of the couch. I was so tempted to reach out and take into my own hand but I was afraid I'd scare her away. I really didn't want to do that. An hour into the movie mom and dad brought some enchiladas in for a snack. The credits rolled and I looked at Hazel Grace.

"Pretty great, huh?"

"Pretty great." She agreed.

"I should get home. Class in the morning." She said. I nodded and got up in search of the car keys. I noticed Hazel Grace was looking at one of the Encouragements above the tv.

"I just love this one, don't you?" My mom said. It was a drawing of an angel with the caption _Without pain, how could we know joy?_ When I was little I never did understand that one. I still don't actually.

"Yes. A lovely thought." Hazel Grace said. I found the car keys and we were off. Hazel Grace argued she should drive home since she knew the way there. I couldn't help but think that my driving was a turn off for her. I played a couple of songs by my favorite band, The Hectic Glow. We pulled up to her house and I switched off the radio. I looked at her and she looked at me.

"Hazel Grace, it has been a real pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Ditto, Mr. Waters." She said.

"May I see you again?" I asked. I tried to keep my voice calm and cool. I didn't want to seem to eager (even thought I was extremely eager to see her again). She smiled at me.

"Sure."

"Tomorrow?" _Oh yeah that doesn't sound desperate at all Augustus._

"Patience, grasshopper. You don't want to seem overeager."

"Right, that's why I said tomorrow. I want to see you again tonight but I'm willing to wait all night and much of tomorrow." She rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious."

"You don't even know me." She said. She grabbed the book, The Price of Dawn from the middle console.

"How about I call you when I finish this?"

"But you don't even have my phone number." I pointed out.

"I strongly suspect you wrote it in the book." I smiled, a smile that felt too big for my face.

"And you say we don't know each other."

* * *

><p>After school I headed over to Isaac's house for a round of Counterinsurgence. It was a routine of ours. After a long day at school, the best way to cool off some steam is to kill some pixelized bad dudes.<p>

"So, what did you really think of support group?" Isaac asked as he killed a guy with a headshot. I scoffed.

"Dismal." I said.

"You and Hazel seemed to get along." Isaac said. I nodded.

"We watched a movie yesterday. At my place." I said. Isaac laughed.

"Would you like a sign taped to your forehead that says desperate?" I pressed some buttons on my controller and my character shot Isaac's character in the leg.

"Dude..."

"It's not like that." I said. Isaac shrugged his shoulders and grabbed his controller.

"You like her?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's a little premature." Isaac said. I shook my head.

"I don't think it is." Isaac shrugged his shoulders and we continued to be bad asses in the game. Once the game was over I went back home. I wasn't ready for homework yet so I decided to read An Imperial Affliction. Her favorite book. It's about this girl named Anna with leukemia but it's not a cancer story. See, cancer stories are always about the person with cancer starts a foundation in their name and they try to create this legacy for themselves or whatever. But AIA isn't a cancer story. No. Anna decides that being person with cancer who starts a cancer charity is narcissistic so she starts a charity call the Anna Foundation for People with Cancer Who Want to Cue Cholera. It was great. Really honest. I was really liking it. my phone buzzed.

**Price of Dawn review: Too many bodies. Not enough adjectives. How's AIA?**

I smiled and replied right away.

**As I recall, you promised to CALL when you finished the book, not text.**

She called.

"Hazel Grace."

"So have you read it?"

"Well I haven't finished it. It's six hundred and fifty one pages long and I've had twenty four hours."

"How far are you?"

"Four fifty-three."

"And?"

"I will withhold judgement until I finish. However, I will say that I'm feeling a bit embarrassed to have given you The Price of Dawn."

"Don't be. I'm already on Requim for Mayhem."

"A sparkling addition to the series. So, okay, is the tulip guy a crook? I'm getting a bad vibe from him."

"No spoilers." She said with a hint of teasing in her voice.

"If he is anything other than a total gentleman, I'm going to gouge his eyes out."

"So you're into it."

"Withholding judgement! When can I see you?"

"Certainly not until you finish An Imperial Affliction."

"Then I'd better hang up and start reading."

"You'd better." And that's what I did.

* * *

><p>The next day I was sitting in my room on my bed reading AIA. It was great. So honest and real. You don't find books like this anymore. Things were looking good so far. The Dutch Tulip Man and Anna's mom were about to get married and Anna was starting a new treatment and<p>

"What?!" I read the paragraph over again. I read it again. And again. I grabbed my phone.

**Tell me my copy is missing the last twenty pages or something**

**Hazel Grace, tell me I have not reached the end of this book**

**OH MY GOD DO THEY GET MARRIED OR NOT OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS**

**I guess Anna died and so it just ends? CRUEL. Call me when you can. Hope all's okay.**

There was a knock from upstairs.

"Yeah?" I called. Footsteps walked down and Issac appeared. His face was red and tears streamed down his face.

"Hey man." I said getting up.

"What's wrong?" Isaac shook his head.

"Okay. Okay. Uh do you want to play Counterinsurgence?" I asked. He nodded. I put the game in and we started play. He sobbed loudly for a bit and angrily shot at the bad dudes before he talked.

"She broke up with me." He cried.

"Monica?" He nodded, his lower lip protruding.

"Sorry about that man." I said. But Isaac didn't listen. He just play and yelled and cried at the game. My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was her.

"Hazel Grace."

"So welcome to the sweet torture of reading An Imperial-" At that moment Isaac started sobbing violently. I winced as the sound pierced my eardrums.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"I'm grand. I am however with Isaac who seems to be decompensating." He wailed louder. God my parents are going to kill for all this sound going on. It sounded like someone was being murdered.

"Dude. Dude. Does support group Hazel make this better or worse? Isaac. Focus. On. Me." I said one word at a time to try and get Isaac's attention. He was to focusing on wailing at the tv screen.

"Can you meet us at my house in, say, twenty minutes?" I asked Hazel Grace.

"Sure." And she hung up.

* * *

><p>I turned when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. It was Hazel Grace. She was wearing this past the knee green dress that matched her eyes. It showed of her collar bone that was really sticking out but she looked... incredible.<p>

"Hazel Grace."

"Isaac, Hazel from support group is coming downstairs. Hazel, gentle reminder. Isaac is in the midst of a psychotic episode."

"How are you Hazel?"

"I'm okay. Isaac?" No response. Not even a reaction to Hazel Grace's arrival.

"You look nice. Girls think they're only allowed to wear dress on formal occasions but I like a woman who says, you know, 'I'm going over to see a boy who is having a nervous breakdown, a boy whose connection to the sense of of sight itself is tenuous and gosh dang it I'm going to wear a dress for him'.

"Any yet, Isaac won't so much as glance over at me. Too in love with Monica I suppose." That comment cause Isaac to explode into another fit of sobs. I winced.

"Bit of a touchy subject." I explained.

"Isaac, I don't know about you but I have the vague sense that we're being outflanked." I looked back at Hazel Grace.

"Isaac and Monica are no longer a going concern but he doesn't want to talk about it. He just wants to cry and play Counterinsurgence 2: The Price of Dawn."

"Fair enough."

"Isaac, I feel a growing concern about our position. If you agree, head over to that power station and I'll cover you." Isaac's character zig zagged to the building.

"Anyway, it doesn't hurt to talk to him. If you have any sage words of feminine advice."

"I actually think his response is probably appropriate." A burst of gunfire came from Isaac's character. I nodded at the screen.

"Pain demands to be felt." I looked at Isaac.

"You're sure there's no one behind us?" Seconds later bullets rained down on our characters.

"Oh goddamn it Isaac. I don't mean to criticize you in your moment of weakness but you've allowed us to be outflanked and now there's nothing in between the terrorists and the school." Isaac's character took off running toward the fire, zigging and zagging down a narrow alleyway.

"You could go over the bridge and circle back." Hazel Grace said. I smiled a little as that was a tactic from The Price of Dawn. I sighed.

"Sadly, the bridge is already under insurgent control due to questionable strategizing by my bereft cohort."

"Me? Me?! You're the one who suggested to hole up in the freaking power station." I turned to Isaac and flashed my crooked smile.

"I knew you could talk buddy. Now let's save some fictional school children."

"Why do they want to get into the school?" Hazel Grace asked.

"They want the kids as hostages." Isaac and I leaned towards the screen.

"Get it get it get it get it." I repeated. Something flew across the screen.

"Grenade! Grenade!" Isaac dropped his controller in disappointment.

"If the bastards can't have hostage they just kill them and claim we did it."

"Cover me!" I yelled. Isaac fumbled for the controller and his character started firing bullet after bullet at our enemies. My character raced towards the school. Bullets rained down on me but I didn't fall.

"YOU CAN'T KILL MAX MAYHEM!" My character flew on top of the grenade and it exploded throwing chunks of my character everywhere. Mission failure. But I smiled and leaned back. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cigarettes.

"Saved the kids." I said, sounding satisfied.

"Temporarily." Hazel Grace said.

"All salvation is temporary. I bought them a minute. Maybe that's the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one's going to buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute and that's not nothing."

"Whoa okay. We're just talking about pixels." I shrugged and looked back at Isaac.

"Another go at the mission, corporal?" Isaac shook his head and leaned over so he could see Hazel Grace.

"She didn't want to do it after." He said.

"She didn't want to dump a blind guy." Hazel Grace said.

"She couldn't handle it. I'm about to lose my eyesight and she can't handle it."

"I'm sorry." Hazel Grace said. Isaac wiped the tears from his eyes.

"It's unacceptable. It's totally unacceptable." He said.

"Well to be fair, I mean she probably can't handle it. Neither can you, but she doesn't have to handle it. You do."

"I kept saying 'always' to her today. 'Always always always' and she just kept talking over me and not saying it back. It was like I was already gone, you know? 'Always' was a promise! How can you break the promise?"

"Sometimes people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them." Hazel Grace said. Isaac shot Hazel Grace a look.

"Right, of course but you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway. Don't you believe in true love?" Hazel Grace didn't answer.

"Well I believe in true love and I love her. And she promised. She promised me always." He stood up and took a step towards Hazel Grace. I was about to get up in case he took a swing at her but then he just spun around as if he had forgotten what he was going to do.

"Isaac."

"What?"

"You look a little... Pardon my double entrendre, my friend, but there's something a little worrisome in your eyes." And then Isaac started beating the crap out of his gaming chair.

"Here we go." I said.

"Yes. Get it! Kick the shit out of that chair!" Isaac kicked the chair again until it bounced against my bed. Isaac chased after it. I looked over at Hazel Grace.

"I can't stop thinking about that book."

"I know right?"

"He never said what happens to the other characters?"

"No. He moved to Amsterdam which makes me think maybe he is writing a sequel featuring the Dutch Tulip Man, but he hasn't published anything. He's never interviewed. He doesn't seem to be online. I've written him a bunch of letters but he never responds. So... yeah." But I noticed Isaac letting out his frustration on some pillows from my bed.

"Hold on." I mumbled. I walked over to Isaac and took him by the shoulders.

"Dude, pillows don't break. Try something that breaks." Isaac reached for a basketball trophy from the shelf. He looked at me for approval.

"Yes. Yes! Yes! Get it!" The trophy smashed against the floor and pieces flew everywhere. I went back to stand by Hazel Grace.

"I've been looking for a way to tell my father that I actually sort of hate basketball, and I think we found it." Trophy after trophy smashed to the ground until there was non left. Isaac fell to the ground in the midst of broken trophies.

"Feel better?" I asked him.

"No." Isaac mumbled.

"That's the thing about pain," I looked at Hazel Grace when I said this.

"It demands to be felt."

* * *

><p><strong>And there you have it. Stay tuned for some updates this weekend guys. I'm going to try for Here I Lie, Anna's Infinity and Doctor Who maybe tomorrow and then Fault in His Stars and Convergent later on.<strong>

**Please comment and review! Thanks:)**

**~Wallflower95**


	5. Chapter 4

**Hey everyone! oh my gosh guys Mockingjay comes out this Friday!:) are any of you hunger games fans? Agggh I cannot wait to see it I am so excited :) haha anyways, here is chapter 4. hope you like it!**

**Okay?**

**~Wallflower95**

* * *

><p><strong>4<strong>

It's been a week since I spoke to Hazel Grace. A week since the night of the broken trophies. Since then I have been attending school as usual and doing some gaming with Isaac. Just boring stuff and then Isaac is losing his sight soon. I'm also trying to come up with something really intelligent to say about An Imperial Affliction so I could discuss it with Hazel Grace. I just really wanted to something nice for Hazel Grace so the other day I had decided to look up old reclusive Peter Van Houten. I had searched and searched until I came upon the email address of his assistant. Lidw... I don't know. Anyway, I wrote an email:

**Dear Mr. Peter Van Houten,**

**My name is Augustus Waters. I am an Osteosarcoma survivor and I coincidentally, at the request of a very good friend of mine, read your book. You see, this friend introduced me to your book 'An Imperial Affliction'. While you book does not feature zombies or stormtroopers I do have to say that your book meant a great deal to me... mostly because this great friend of mine shared it with me and I believe that is was something very special she shared with me. I do have a question for you. A question that I'm sure even my friend would like to know. Do you plan on writing another book? Maybe even a sequel?**

**Even though your book is not 'my type', I still want to know what the heck happens in the end. **

**Sincerely,**

**Augustus Waters**

Today, when I got home from school I had an email. I clicked on it. It's from him.

"Oh I gotta tell Hazel Grace." I reached for my phone and dialed her number. There was no answer. I turned on some Hectic Glow and read the email. An hour later, she called back.

"Hazel Grace." I said.

"Hi." She said.

"How are you?"

"Grand. I have been waiting to call you on a nearly minutely basis but I have been waiting until I could form a coherent thought in re And Imperial Affliction." Oh yeah I said in re.

"And?" She questioned.

"I think it's, like. Reading it, I just kept feeling like, like."

"Like?" She said teasingly.

"Like it was a gift?" I said askingly. _Oh such great words Augustus. You'll totally get the girl now. _I wanted to kick myself.

"Like you'd given me something important." I kept going.

"Oh." She said. I bit my lip and closed my eyes.

"That's cheesy. I'm sorry." I said.

"No. No. Don't apologize." She said.

"But it doesn't end." I said.

"Yeah."

"Torture. I totally get it, like, I get that she died or whatever."

"Right I assume so." She said.

"And okay, fair enough, but there is this unwritten contract between author and reader and I think not ending your book kind of violates that contract."

"I don't know." She said, sounding a little defensive.

"That's part of what I like about the book in some ways. It portrays death truthfully. You die in the middle of your life, in the middle of a sentence. But I do- God, I do really want to know what happens to everyone else. That's what I asked him in my letters. But he, yeah, he never answers." I smiled.

"Right. You said he's a recluse?"

"Correct."

"Impossible to track down."

"Correct."

"Utterly unreachable."

"Unfortunately so." I smiled and started reading the email Peter Van Houten himself sent me.

"'Dear Mr. Waters," I read. "'I am writing to thank you for your electronic correspondence, received via Ms. Vliegenthart this sixth of April, from the United States of America, insofar as geography can be said to exist in our triumphantly digitized contemporaneity.'"

"Augustus, what the hell?"

"He has an assistant. Lidewij Vliegenthart. I found her. I emailed her. She gave him the email. He responded via her email account."

"Okay. Okay. Keep reading."

"'My response is being written with ink and paper in the glorious tradition of our ancestors and then transcribed by Ms. Vliegenthart into a series of 1s and 0s to travel the insipid web which has lately ensnared our species, so I apologize for any errors or omissions that may result. Given the entertainment bacchanalia at the disposal of young men and women of your generation, I am grateful to anyone anywhere who sets aside the hours necessary to read my little book. But I am particularly indebted to you, sir both for your kind words about An Imperial Affliction and here I quote you directly, "meant a great deal" to you. This comment, however, leads me to wonder: What do you mean by meant? Given the final futility of our struggle, is the fleeting jolt of meaning that art gives us valuable? Or is the only value in passing the time as comfortably as possible? What should a story seek to emulate, Augustus? A ringing alarm? A call to arms? A morphine drip? Of course, like all interrogation of the universe, this line of inquiry inevitably reduces us to asking what it means to be human and whether- to borrow a phrase from the angst- encumbered sixteen year-olds you no doubt revile- _there is a point to it all._

"'I fear there is not , my friend, and that you would receive scant encouragement from further encounters with my writing. But to answer your question: No, I have not written anything else, nor will I. I do not feel that continuing to share my thoughts with readers would benefit either them or me. Thank you again for your generous email. Yours most sincerely, Peter Van Houten, via Lidewij Vliegenthart.'"

"Wow. Are you making this up?" I stifled a laughed.

"Hazel Grace, could I, with my meager intellectual capacities, make up a letter from Peter Van Houten featuring phrases like 'our triumphantly digitized contemporaneity'?"

"You could not." She said.

"Can I, can I have the email address?" I smiled.

"Of course."

* * *

><p>After Hazel Grace spent two hours writing a very intellectual sounding email to the Mr. Peter Van Houten, she called me back and we stayed up late talking about An Imperial Affliction . She also read me this really nice sounding poem from Emily Dickinson that Van Houten had used for the title of AIA. I told her The Price of Dawn starts with a poem as well. I searched my room for the book and opened it up to the page.<p>

"' Say your life broke down. The last good kiss/ You had was years ago.'"

"Not bad." She said.

"Bit pretentious. I believe Max Mayhem would refer to that as 'sissy shit'."

"Yes, with his teeth gritted, no doubt. God, Mayhem grits his teeth a lot in these books. He's definitely going to get TMJ, if he survives all this combat." I said. And then I asked a question that surprised even myself.

"When was the last good kiss you had?" She was quiet. Thinking about it. My last good kiss had been of course with my ex-girlfriend (if you can even call her that since technically we never broke up).

"Years ago." Hazel Grace finally said. "You?"

"I had a few good kisses with my ex-girlfriend, Caroline Mathers." I said as her face flashed in my mind.

"Years ago?" She asked.

"The last one was just less than a year ago." I said.

"What happened?"

"During the kiss?"

"No, with you and Caroline."

"Oh." I said. I haven't really talked to anyone about Caroline. Isaac had been there during our time together and he had been there for me after she had died. Mom and dad were there for me of course but, I don't know. I guess I didn't really like talking about it.

"Caroline is no longer suffering from personhood." I said.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault Hazel Grace. We're all just side effects, right?"

"Barnacles in the container ship of consciousness." She said, quoting AIA.

"Okay. I gotta go to sleep. It's almost one." I said.

"Okay." She said.

"Okay." I said with a smile. She giggled on the other end.

"Okay." And it was quiet. No one had hung up. It was just me and Hazel Grace. It felt as she was here but actually wasn't here. I could hear her soft even breathing on the other end and I was so tempted to reach out for her hand when I realized she wasn't actually there.

"Okay." I said into the phone.

"Maybe okay will be our 'always'."

"Okay." Sadly, I had to hang up.

* * *

><p><strong>Please comment and review guys! I appreciate the feedback muchly:)<strong>

**~Wallflower95**


	6. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! anyone her a hunger games fan? I saw mockingjay on Friday and it was awesome! i completely recommend seeing it:)Oh and if you guys are reading my other fanfic Anna's Infinity be sure to keep your eyes out for the very last two chapter of that story! I'm hoping to update this week. Thanks guys and please be sure to leave a review and comment:)**

**Okay?**

**~Wallflower95 **

* * *

><p><strong>5<strong>

It's Wednesday. I was at the hospital. Not for myself. Those days are behind me. Isaac just got out of surgery. He's officially NEC. I text Hazel Grace.

**Isaac out of surgery. It went well. He's officially NEC.**

And then I sent a second text a few seconds after.

**I mean, he's blind. So that's unfortunate.**

And then a nurse said I could visit Isaac now. He just woke and I was warned he might sound a little, drugged up. I opened the door and Isaac was on the bed with a bandage around his eyes. I take a deep breath and throw the door open.

"I have wonderful news!" I shouted. Isaac turned his head towards me.

"I don't really want to hear wonderful news right now." He said perfectly clear but a lot slower than usual.

"Ah but this is wonderful news you want to hear." I said.

"Fine, what is it?"

"You are going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments you cannot even imagine yet!" Isaac was quiet and then he smiled. I smiled too.

"Has anyone ever told you you're obnoxious?" Isaac asked.

"Once and they did not live to finish the sentence." Isaac laughed.

"What are you doing here?"

"Took the day off from school. Thought I'd drop by and see how you're doing." I said as I sat down next to his bed.

"Well, I'm blind and heartbroken. How do you think I'm doing?" I thought about it.

"Not good?" Isaac shook is head.

"Sorry. I'll shut up." I said as I sat back in my seat. Isaac winced as he tried to adjust his position.

"I texted Hazel Grace to let her know you're okay." I said. Isaac nodded.

"You like her."

"Indeed I do." I said.

"Isn't it a little weird?" I frowned.

"How so?"

"You know... her looking like Caroline." Isaac said. I sighed.

"Yes..." I said.

"But I promised myself that I'd move on after Caroline. And that's what I'm trying to do." I said. Isaac nodded. A nurse opened the door.

"Sorry hun but Isaac needs his rest." I took Isaac's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Feel better man. I want you up and ready for combat in 48 hours." Isaac laughed.

"Sure thing." He said.

* * *

><p>A few hours later I came back to the hospital. Hazel Grace called and she read the email Van Houten had sent to her.<p>

"Wow."

"I know right? How am I going to get to Amsterdam?" She asked.

"Do you have a wish?" I asked. I was referring to The Genie Foundation which is the business of making cancer patient's dreams come true.

"No. I used my wish pre-Miracle." She said.

"What'd you do?" She sighed on the other end.

"I was thirteen."

"Not Disney." She didn't answer.

"You did not go to Disney World." Again, no answer.

"HAZEL GRACE!" I shouted.

"You did not use your one dying wish to go to Disney world with your parents."

"Also Epcot Center." She muttered on the other end. I rolled my eyes. For cancer patients with a wish they always ask for the same thing... Disney.

"Oh my god. I can't believe I have a crush on a girl with such cliche' wishes." Wow I said crush.

"I was thirteen!"

"And shouldn't you be in school or something?"

"I'm playing hooky to hang out with Isaac, but he's sleeping so I'm in the atrium doing geometry."

"How's he doing?"

"I can't tell if he's just not ready to confront the seriousness of his disability or if he really does care more about getting dumped by Monica, but he won't talk about anything else."

"Yeah. How long's he gonna be in the hospital?"

"Few days. The he goes to this rehab or something for a while, but he gets to sleep at home, I think."

"Sucks." I see Isaac's mom coming down the hallway.

"I see his mom. I gotta go."

"Okay."

"Okay." I said with my crooked smile plastered on my face.

* * *

><p>Hazel Grace may have just wasted the one and only wish that would have helped her achieve her actual dream... to meet the great Peter Van Houten author of An Imperial Affliction. But luckily, I saved my wish. You see, there are 10 in 1,000 kids every year who are smart about the wishes the Genies give. These lucky 10 are smart enough to save their wishes for something they will actually want. I am one of those ten. I got the wish in exchange for the leg. I was in kitchen putting the finishing touches on the sandwiches.<p>

I moved towards the fridge when I felt a sharp pain in my hip. I winced. What was that? When I moved again it was a dull and throbbing pain. I shook my head. No. I got things to do. I packed up the food and grabbed the ridiculously bright flowers and headed out to the car. Ten minutes later I was outside Hazel Grace's front door. I knocked a few times but it was obvious no one was home. I called her. She answered.

"Are you currently at your house?" I asked.

"Um, no."

"That was a trick question. I knew the answer because I am currently at your house." I said.

"Oh. Um. Well, we are on our way, I guess?"

"Awesome. See you soon." And I hung up. I was sitting on the front step when they arrived. I held the bright orange tulips in her hand. I adjusted the Rik Smits jersey I was wearing. Hazel Grace got out of the car and she was stunning. I smiled and held out the tulips. She took them.

"Wanna go on a picnic?" I asked. Her dad walked up to me and shook my hand.

"Is that a Rik Smits jersey?" He asked. I smiled. He's a fan.

"Indeed."

"God, I loved that guy." He said. I followed them into their home. Hazel Grace disappeared with the orange tulips and I was left in the front room with her parents.

"So you met Hazel at Support Group." Her dad said.

"Yes, sir. This is a lovely house you've got. I like your artwork." I said looking around.

"Thank you, Augustus." Mrs. Lancaster said.

"You're a survivor yourself, then?"

"I am. I didn't cut this fella off for the sheer unadulterated pleasure of it, although it is an excellent weight-loss strategy. Legs are heavy!"

"And how's your health now?"

"NEC for fourteen months."

"That's wonderful. The treatment options these days- it really is remarkable." Mrs. Lancaster said.

"I know. I'm lucky."

"You have to understand that Hazel is still sick, Augustus, and will be for the rest of her life. She'll want to keep up with you, but her lungs-"

And at that moment Hazel Grace entered the room, silencing her dad.

"So where are you going?" I stood up from where I was sitting and leaned towards Mrs. Lancaster and whispered the location of my romantic gesture. She smiled. I held my finger up to my lips.

"Shh. It's a secret." I said. Hazel Grace looked at the two of us and I smiled at her.

"You've got your phone?" Hazel Grace held it up as evidence. I offered Hazel Grace my arm and we were off.


	7. Chapter 6

**Hi guys! So Anna's Infinity is now finished (if you guys had been keeping up with that one). Please be sure to check out my Holiday Special based on Anna's Infinity called 'All I Want is You'. If you're a fan of the tv show Sherlock please check out my other Holiday Special Fanfic called 'Merry Murder'. Hope you all like this chapter!:)**

**Okay?**

**~Wallflower95**

* * *

><p><strong>6<strong>

Of course, to keep the location a secret from Hazel Grace I had to drive which meant she was subjected to my torturous driving all the way there.

"You nearly charmed the pants off my mom." Hazel Grace said in the passenger seat. We jerked forwards. I smiled.

"Yeah, and your dad was a Smits fan, which helps. You think they liked me?" I asked her.

"Sure they did. Who cares, thought? They're just parents." She said.

"They're you're parents," I said, glancing over at her. "Plus, I like being liked. Is that crazy?"

"Well you don't have to rush to hold doors open or smother me i compliments for me to like you." I slammed on the brakes which cause the both of us to fly forwards until our seat belts caught us. I definitely smelled the burn of rubber. As we drove on, I reached into the center console for my pack of cigarettes.

"Do you ever throw them away?"

"One of the many benefits of not smoking is that packs of cigarettes last forever. I've had this pack for almost a year. A few of them are broken near the filters, but I think this pack can easily get me to my eighteenth birthday." I held the filter in between my fingers.

"So, okay. Okay. Name some things that you never see in Indianapolis."

"Um, skinny adults." She answered. I laughed.

"Good. Keep going."

"Mmm, beaches. Family owned restaurants. Topography."

"All excellent examples of things we lack. Also, culture."

"Yeah, we are a bit short on culture." Her expression changed which made me think she figured out what I was planning.

"Are we going to the museum?" She asked.

"In a manner of speaking."

"Oh, are we going to that park or whatever." I literally felt like a balloon that just got popped or maybe a kid who just got their lollipop stolen.

"Yes, we are going to that park or whatever. You've figured it out, haven't you?"

"Um, figured what out?"

"Nothing."

* * *

><p>See there's park behind a museum where a bunch of artists had made these big sculptures. I used to go with my half sisters when I was younger. The sculpture is an over-sized skeleton. The bones are waist high and a lot of fun to climb. I remember climbing and jumping from bone to bone when I was younger and free of cancer. As we walked down the hill I felt that pain in my hip again but I ignored it. I wouldn't let it ruin this for Hazel Grace.<p>

"Funky Bones. Created by Joep Van Lieshout."

"Sounds Dutch."

"He is. So is Rik Smits. So are tulips." I said. I settled on a spot that had a perfect view of kids climbing and jumping on the sculpture. I slipped my backpack that held all the food and set the picnic. I had to admit, I may have overdone it with all the orange.

"What's with all the orange?"

"National color of the Netherlands, of course. You remember William of Orange and everything?"

"He wasn't on the GED test." Hazel Grace said with a smile. I couldn't help but marvel her smile. I could look at it all day.

"Sandwich?"

"Let me guess." She said, taking it.

"Dutch cheese and tomato. The tomatoes are from Mexico. Sorry."

"You're always such a disappointment Augustus. Couldn't you have at least gotten orange tomatoes?" I laughed and bit it in to the ridiculously dry sandwich. Down the the hill we could hear children laughing and calling out to each other as the jumped and played on Funky Bones.

"Two things I love about this sculpture," I said. I had an unlit cigarette in my hand. "First, the bones are just far enough apart that if you're a kid, you cannot resist the urge to jump between them. Like, you just have to jump from rib cage to skull. Which means that, second, the sculpture essentially forces children to play on bones. The symbolic resonances are endless, Hazel Grace."

"You do love symbols." She pointed out.

"Right, about that. You are probably wondering why you are eating a bad cheese sandwich and drinking orange juice and why I am wearing the jersey of a Dutchman who played a sport I have come to loathe."

"It has crossed my mind."

"Hazel Grace, like so many children before you- and I say this with great affection- you spent your Wish hastily, with little care for the consequences. The Grim Reaper was staring you in the face an the fear of dying with your Wish still in your proverbial pocket, ungranted, led you to rush toward the first Wish you could think of, and you, like so many others, chose the artificial pleasures of the theme park."

"I actually had a great time on that trip. I met Goofy and Minn-" I cut her off.

"I am in the midst of a soliloquy! I wrote this out and memorized it and if you interrupt me I will completely screw it up. Please to be eating your sandwich and listening." Hazel Grace smiled and continued chewing that awful sandwich.

"Okay, where was I?"

"The artificial pleasures."

"Right, the cold and artificial pleasures of the theme park. But let me submit that the real heroes of the Wish Factory are the young men and women who wait like Vladimir and Estragon wait for Godot and good Christian girls wait for marriage. These young heroes wait stoically and without complaint for their one true Wish to come along. Sure, it may never come along, but at least they can rest easily in the grave knowing that they've done their little part to preserve the integrity of the Wish as an idea."

"But then again, maybe it will come along: Maybe you'll realize that your one true Wish is to visit the brilliant Peter Van Houten in his Amsterdamian exile, and you will be glad indeed to have saved your Wish."

"But I didn't save my Wish." She said. I smiled.

"Ah," I paused for a dramatic effect.

"But I saved mine."

"Really?" She seemed surprised which I don't blame her. I would be 'Wish eligible' considering I was in school and about a year into remission. I got it in exchange for the leg though. See? Some good things come out of losing a limb.

"I got it in exchange for the leg." I explained to her.

"Now, I'm not going to give you my Wish or anything. But I also have an interest in meeting Peter Van Houten, and it wouldn't make sense to meet him without the girl who introduced me to his book."

"It definitely wouldn't." She said with a smile.

"So I talked to the Genies, and they are in total agreement. They said Amsterdam is lovely in the beginning of May. They proposed leaving May third and returning May seventh."

"Augustus, really?" And then I reached over and touched her cheek. I couldn't help myself. I've been wanting to do that since the first day I met her. I felt her tense under my touch and I pulled my hand away.

"Augustus," She said. "Really. You don't have to do this."

"Sure I do. I found my Wish."

"God you're the best." She said.

"I bet you say that to all the boys who finance your international travel."

* * *

><p>Only a day went by since I broke the news to Hazel Grace about Amsterdam. I couldn't get over her tensing up after I touched her. Of course, it was way to early for that kind of stuff. That's when she texted me.<p>

**Hi, so okay, I don't know if you'll understand this but I can't kiss you or anything. Not that you'd necessarily want to, but I can't. When I try to look at you like that, all I see is what I'm going to put you through. Maybe that doesn't make sense to you.**

**Anyway, sorry.**

Believe it or not, I knew what she was trying to say to me. She wanted to save me the pain of loss. She didn't want to be my Caroline Mathers. I texted back.

**Okay.**

She texted back.

**Okay.**

I replied.

**Oh, my God, stop flirting with me!**

She said:

**Okay.**

I responded.

**I was kidding, Hazel Grace. I understand. (But we both know that 'okay' is a very flirty word. Okay is BURSTING with sensuality.**

She responded moments later.

**Sorry.**

I clicked my phone off and moved off my bed. I gasped. That pain in my hip was back. Something didn't feel right... at all.

"Mom?" I called. She poked her head inside my doorway .

"Can we please go see Dr. Morrison? Now?"

* * *

><p><strong>Oh dear here comes the hard part of this story... : will update soon! Please comment and review. Thanks!**

**Okay?**

**~Wallflower95**


	8. Chapter 7

**Hey everyone, this was a hard to chapter to write... I remember back when I first read The Fault in Our Stars I imagined Augustus finding out about his relapse... it was awful. And now I'm writing it... I am so sorry about the feels you will endure during this chapter!**

**~Wallflower95**

* * *

><p><strong>7<strong>

I don't like hospitals. Well, who likes hospitals? No one. Not a soul on this earth likes hospitals. Even the people who work there don't like hospitals. I don't like them for many reason. Seeing sick people. People suffering. Needles and all that. If you ask some other people they'll probably say the scariest thing at a hospital is getting a needle stuck in you or something like being next to dying people. To me the scariest thing at the hospital is the waiting. Waiting to hear some good news or some bad news. Waiting is the worst part. And that's what I'm doing. Waiting.

I leaning against the wall with my legs swinging back and forth and hitting the examining table. My mom sits in the waiting chair next to the bed. I knew something was wrong. I could feel it but every hope in me was praying that it was nothing. That I was fine. Unfortunately, the world is not exactly a wish-granting factory. After and hour and a half of waiting, Dr. Morrison came in.

I knew right there that it wasn't good news. I could see it in his eyes. Mom couldn't.

"I'm so sorry again for the last minute appointment Dr. Morrison. Augustus insisted. He his completely healthy we know." My mom said with a smile. Dr. Morrison didn't respond. Instead he lifted a film and put it on the screen. It looked like a Christmas tree. My mom was frozen. I was lit up like a Christmas tree. Dr. Morrison sighed.

"I am so sorry." He was explaining something to my mom. She had her hand on her mouth and she was shaking her head. I didn't hear much. Relapse. Everywhere. Radiation. Chemo. Everywhere.

I looked at the picture and I just couldn't get over the fact that I was lit up like a Christmas tree.

* * *

><p>I stepped out of the room while Dr. Morrison and Mom talked. Probably discussing what kind of chemical drugs they'd put into my body. I didn't want to talk about it. I just felt like there was no point in fighting it. I was angry that it came back. When I was first diagnosed I was told that ninety out ten survived Osteasarcoma. Ninety out of ten. Was I really in that ten area? I took out my phone and went through my contacts and pressed Hazel Grace's number.<p>

I didn't want to tell her that I was probably dying. I just wanted to hear her voice. The sound of crying answered.

"Hazel Grace?"

* * *

><p>I didn't explain why we were going to Children's hospital and mom didn't ask any questions. The car hadn't even stopped at the entrance and I was already out the door. I headed straight for the ICU. There was a nurse on duty at the front desk. ICU has strict rules about family only in there. I watched as she grabbed a pile of papers and headed into the back room. I hobbled through the hallway and searched for her. She wasn't far. I entered her room and there she was.<p>

It was quiet, the only sound in the room was the machinery attached to her. I sat down beside and I just looked at her. She's so beautiful. Really. I wouldn't bullshit this. She is beautiful. Her mom has said her lungs had been full of water. I looked at her unconscious figure. Her eyes closed. Her skin pale. Her fingers colored the blue black color. What would the world be like if we both just vanished? What if the cancer caught up to us we were no longer suffering person-hood?

What would that world be like?

I took her hand in mine and I kissed it. Above her head was a clear plastic bag, dripping into was cancer water.

And right there I wished that she would die so she would never find out I was dying as well. But then, I want time to fall in love with Hazel Grace because I really did love her and I wanted her to know that.

No, we can't go yet. I want more time. I want to leave my mark in the world. I want to fall in love with Hazel Grace.

"Excuse me, you can't be in here." A voice said behind me. I didn't answer at first.

"Will she be okay?" I asked. The guy sighed.

"She's still taking on a lot of water." He said. She's alive and that's all that mattered. I kissed her hand one more time, thanked the nurse and left the room.

* * *

><p>It's been about a week and a half since I found out about the whole cancer coming back. I know my parents want to ta to me about the whole relapse thing but talking about it made me want to throw up. I still went to school. I still did normal Augustus things. I even emailed Peter Van Houten in my spare time.<p>

_**Dear Mr. Van Houten,**_

_**Have you ever been in love? I have. I am. See, love can sometimes be difficult. Of course there are the usual arguments and drama problems. And then there are some cancer problems. I love Hazel Grace and I cannot un-love her. What she wants is to spare me pain because she is a ticking bomb waiting to explode. I have been through hell and back during my time with cancer and all I want is to be with her. **_

_**I want to love her but she pushes me away. How can I un-love someone? I know I can't save her. But I can be there for her when she explodes.**_

_**Yours truly,**_

_**Augustus Waters**_

He replied the next day. I folded his reply and put into my pocket.

One afternoon I was playing video games with Isaac. He had been going on and on about Monica breaking up with him again.

"I relapsed." I said out loud. That made him shut up.

"What?" I sighed.

"You should have seen my PET scan Isaac. It was like a Christmas tree." I said as I put an unlit cigarette in my mouth.

"Shit." Isaac said. He dropped his controller and my player got dropped by a dozen bullets. The words Game Over flashed on the screen. I looked over at Isaac.

"What the hell man? You're supposed to have my back." But Isaac didn't respond to that. He just looked at me.

"You relapsed?" I nodded.

"When?"

"Last week."

"Dude..." I shrugged my shoulders and went back to the game.

"It's not a big deal Isaac. Relapses happen all the time." But Isaac wasn't in the game anymore. He was somewhere else. Soon, I left to see Hazel Grace. Her parent said she was just recovering and all. I had been in the waiting room most days. Hoping to see her. Today, I got to. Mr. Lancaster lead me into her room. I felt a huge grin spread across my face. She looked like shit but I didn't care.

I sat down and leaned towards her.

"I missed you." I said. Her voice came out small and weak.

"Thanks for not trying to see me when I looked like hell." She said with a small smile.

"To be fair, you still look pretty bad." That got her to laugh.

"I missed you, too. I just don't want you to see... all this. I just want, like... It doesn't matter. You don't always get what you want." She said.

"Is that so? I'd always thought the world was a wish-granting factory."

"Turns out that is not the case." She said. God she was beautiful. I reached for her hand but she shook her head.

"No. If we're going to hang out, it has to be, like, not that."

"Okay." I said, although I was a little disappointed.

"Well, I have good news and band news on the wish-granting front."

"Okay?"

"The bad news is that we obviously can't go to Amsterdam until you're better. The Genies will however, work their famous magic when you're well enough."

"That's the good news?"

"No, the good news is that while you were sleeping, Peter Van Houten shared a bit more of his brilliant brain with us." I reached for her hand and slipped the piece of paper that had his reply on it. I gave her another big smile and left.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Before I sign off I just want to let you all know that I have finally published 'The Promises We Keep'. It is yet another tfios fanfiction of mine and it features the one and only Peter Van Houten before he became the author of AIA. It's sort of a prequel to The Fault in Our Stars. Please check it out and let me know what you think!:) Comment and review. Thanks guys!<strong>

**~Wallflower95**


	9. Chapter 8

**Hey guys! Sorry I haven't updated in a bit. I've been super busy with work and then busy prepping for the holidays. Its busy. So, if you've been reading my Hunger Games story (Here I Lie) be sure to check it out. I posted the very last two chapters earlier. It was a very sad occasion for me... :'( Also, if you like How To Train Your Dragon and Rise of the Guardians please check out my crossover called 'Frost & Flames' featuring Hiccup, Toothless, Astrid and Jack Frost! **

**Hope you all like this chapter:) Please comment and review!**

**~Wallflower95**

* * *

><p><strong>8<strong>

Hazel Grace said that she was heading into a big Cancer Team Meeting with her doctors which is basically what my parents are doing with me right now. They sat me down and the kitchen table and they both sat across from me, looking at me very seriously.

"I haven't done any drugs or gone drinking or anything." I joked, holding my hands up. They didn't even crack a smile.

"Augustus..." My dad started to say.

"The Dr. Morrison insists on starting up the Chemo and radiation right away." My mom said. I shook my head.

"Nope. No way." I said.

"Why not?"

"I am seventeen years old. It's my body and I decide when to put poison into it." I said.

"Augustus...

"No. End of discussion." And I headed downstairs to my room and I didn't go back up. I knew it was kind of childish to storm away like that. I swear I'm not throwing a tantrum. I just knew that it wasn't going to work. None of it was going to work. I could feel it. All I want is to live the the life I had now without and poison in me.

That night I called Hazel Grace. She picked up.

"Bad news."

"Shit, what?"

"I can't go to Amsterdam. One of my doctors thinks it's a bad idea." I was quiet for a second.

"God. I should've just paid for it myself . Should've just taken you straight from Funky Bones to Amsterdma."

"But then I would've had a probably fatal episode of deoxygenation in Amsterdam, and my body would have been shipped home in the cargo hold of an airplane." She said.

"Well, yeah. But before that my grand romantic gesture would have totally gotten me laid." She laughed on the other end.

"You laugh because it's true." I said. She laughed again.

"It's true isn't it!"

"Probably not. Although you never know." She said. I moaned.

"I'm gonna die a virgin."

"You're a virgin?"

"Hazel Grace, do you have a pen and a piece of paper." She did.

"Okay, please draw a circle." I instructed.

"Now draw a smaller circle within that circle." She did.

"The larger circle is virgins. The smaller circle is seventeen year old guys with one leg." She laughed again. We talked for a while longer and then she left.

* * *

><p>The next morning I left for school early so I wouldn't have to run into my parents. It was the usual boring stuff. Who knows? Maybe I'd be gone before I even graduate.<p>

After school, I checked my phone and saw that Hazel Grace tried to call. I called back.

"Hi." She said.

"Hazel Grace."

"Hi." She said again. I frowned.

"Are you crying, Hazel Grace?"

"Kind of?"

"Why?"

"Cause I'm just- I want to go to Amsterdam, and I want him to tell me what happens after the book is over, and I just don't want my particular life, and also the sky is depressing me, and there is this old swing set out here that my dad made for me when I was a kid."

"I must see this old swing set of tears immediately. I'll be over in twenty minutes."

* * *

><p>I said hi to Mrs. Lancaster in the kitchen and then I headed out to the backyard where Hazel Grace was.<p>

"Hi." She said. I bent down and tried to sit down slowly. I felt the pain in my hip but I ignored it. I landed painfully and rather ungracefully on my ass next to Hazel Grace.

"Hi." I said finally. I looked towards the swing set.

"I see your point. That is one sad goddamned swing set." She nudged my shoulder with her head.

"Thanks for offering to come over."

"You realize that trying to keep your distance from me will not lessen my affection for you." I said to her.

"I guess?"

"All efforts to save me from you will fail." Because, I thought, maybe you're not the grenade anymore.

"Why? Why would you even like me? Haven't you put yourself through enough of this?" Caroline's face flashed through my mind. I didn't answer. I just held onto her.

"We gotta do something about this frigging swing set. I'm telling you, it's ninety percent of the problem." We then headed inside and sat down on the couch right next to each other with her laptop half on her leg and half on my fake leg.

"Hot." She said. I flashed my crooked smile.

"Is it now?" I loaded up this website called Free No Catch and together we wrote an ad for the sad little swing set.

"Headline?"

"'Swing Set Needs Home.'"

"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home." I said.

"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children.'" I laughed.

"That's why."

"What?"

"That's why I like you. Do you realize how rare it is to come across a hot girl who creates an adjective version of the word pedophile? You are so busy being you that you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are." Together, we wrote an ad for the swing set

_**Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home**_

_**One swing set, well worn but structurally sound, seeks new home. Make memories with your kid or kids so that someday he or she or they will look into the backyard and feel the ache of sentimentality as desperately as I did this afternoon. It's fragile and fleeting, dear reader, but with this swing set , your child(ren) will be introduced to the ups and downs of human life gently and safely, and may also learn the most important lesson of all: No matter how hard you kick, no matter how high you get, you can't go all the way around.**_

_**Swing Set currently resides near 83rd and Spring Mill.**_

After that, we turned on the TV for a little while but we didn't find anything good to watch so Hazel Grace grabbed her copy of 'An Imperial Affliction' and I read out loud to her. Hazel Grace checked her email an hour later and it turns out we had a great selection of swing set suitors to choose from. In the end, we chose this game named Daniel Alverez who sent a picture of his kids playing video game with a subject line below:_ I just want them to go outside._

She emailed him back telling him to pick it up at his leisure. I looked at the time and realized I had to meet Isaac at his crappy support group thing. I asked Hazel Grace if she'd come with but she was tired.

I pushed myself up to go but then fell back down_. __ Oh what the hell._ And I kissed Hazel Grace on the cheek.

"Augustus!"

"Friendly." I said. I pushed myself back up and took two steps towards Mrs. Lancaster.

"Always a pleasure to see you." I said. She held her arms open for a hug but I kissed her on the cheek as well.

"See?" I said, looking at Hazel Grace.

* * *

><p>The next day, during lunch I got a text from Hazel Grace.<p>

**Still free May three? :-)**

I replied.

**Everything's coming up Waters.**

I sat back in my seat and smiled. The Amsterdam trip is on!


	10. Chapter 9

**Hey guys! How was everyone's holiday? I'm sorry this update is coming so late. It's been super busy with the holiday and then family and friends. Crazy! Anyways, here is chapter 9:) I would like to thank Anonymous for the advice. Reading back on this story so far I realize everything has been really rushed and I don't want to do that. I want all of you to get to Augustus more. So here is The Fault in His Stars slowed down :) hope you enjoy! Please comment and review!**

**~Wallflower95**

* * *

><p><strong>9<strong>

The day before we were supposed to leave for Amsterdam, Isaac called.

"Hey."

"Hey man. How are you?"

"Do swell my friends. How are your eyes?"

"No longer in my head."

"So listen, I'm heading support group. Want to come?" I hesitated. I wanted to be there to support Isaac. He was going through a lot with the whole being blind thing and Monica leaving him. I wanted to go but I had a doctor's appointment.

"Ah wish I could man but my parents want to do something as a family." I said. I hated lying to him but I didn't want him to worry. It was my problem not his.

"I bet Hazel is going to be there." I really did want to go. I wanted to see Hazel Grace even though I was spending time with her in Amsterdam tomorrow. And of course I wanted to go for Isaac as well. I shook my head.

"No, I'm sorry Isaac." He sighed on the other end.

"Alright. Suit yourself." He hung up. I sighed. I had refused to go to today's appointment. My parents are really pushing medications. The Chemo and the radiation. The works. But I don't want it. I don't want any of it. I like being me. I don't want my mind to poisoned with all of that. I know. I just know that none of its going to work. Both of my parents so my PET scan. They say me lit up like a Christmas tree and yet they still held on to hope that I'd miraculously recover. That I'd pull through. But I knew from the looks of that scan that I might bite into it. That cancer was made of me and there was nothing I couldn't do anything about it.

I sat in the backseat of our car in absolute silence. Every once in a while my mom would look back through the rear view mirror. But I couldn't look into her eyes because I've made my decision. I didn't want to go through Chemo and radiation. I can't do it.

Even when we were in the doctor's office and Dr. Morrison droned on and on about everything they could do to fight the cancer. Both of my parents were listening intently to every word. They clung to each word as if it were a lifeline but all I heard was try try try try. He never said anything would work for sure. Because he can't. Nothing would work. None of it.

"We can start all of this tomorrow." I stood up.

"No."

"Augustus. You are very sick."

"Yeah I know that. I'm saying I don't want any of this." Dr. Morrison was quiet. Both of my parents were looking at me.

"Gus..."

"No. I'm going to Amsterdam tomorrow. I can't start it then. I'll start after Amsterdam." That's when my parents jumped.

"Augustus we need to follow the doctor's orders."

"It's my body. My life. My choice. I'm going to Amsterdam tomorrow." And I walked out of the room without looking back at their shocked expressions.

* * *

><p>I put my suitcase by the bottom of the stairs in my room and I sat down on the bed, waiting for my ride. When we had gotten home yesterday everyone had been quiet and tense. I had gone to my room without another word. I sighed and grabbed my suitcase and started the long way upstairs. When I got there my parents were waiting for me in the kitchen. I smiled at them and held out my arms.<p>

"Bye! Love you both." I said happily. They didn't react.

"Well, I better be off. Hazel Grace will be here soon." I headed to the front door with my parents trailing behind me. On my suitcase was a blue button down shirt and then a green polo shirt. I was wearing a plain white t shirt and jeans. I held out the two shirts.

"Which one?" I asked my mom. My mom gently took them from my hands and put them back on my suitcase.

"Don't go Gus." She said softly. I shook my head and backed away from her.

"No mom. Don't."

"Augustus we want what's best for you." My dad said.

"Then listen to me." I said. My mom looked close to tears.

"If we don't get this done the cancer will get worse." I laughed.

"Did you see the scan mom? It's already bad!" Tears rolled down her cheeks. I don't want to do this to my parents. They've done everything for me. They were there when I was in basketball. They were there when Caroline died. They were there when I was first diagnosed with cancer. See, parents will do anything to keep their kids safe. Even if the kid doesn't want them to. I know they want to help me but they can't. You can't save someone who can't be saved.

"Please stay Augustus." She said. I shook my head.

"I am going to Amsterdam."

"You are staying here!" She cried.

"No."

"Why aren't you listening to us?" She sobbed.

"BECAUSE IT IS MY LIFE, MOM. IT BELONGS TO ME." My dad put his arm around my mother as she cried. I hated myself for yelling at her. Parents just want what's best for their kids. I understand that. But I know what I want right now and I just need them to listen.

"Look, I know that you want what's for me, okay? I get that," They looked at me. "But please understand that this is what I want. I want to go too Amsterdam with Hazel Grace and I know you don't support my decision..." I said slowly. They both had their eyes on me, listening to my every word.

"But please just trust me." I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I looked at it. It was Hazel Grace

**We're outside.**

I looked at my parents. My mom's eyes were red and wet. My dad had a stony expression on his face. My mother nodded.

"Okay Gus." She said to me softly. I gave her a smiled and embraced both of them. The hugged my back without out a word. I replied to Hazel Grace's text.

**Just CAN'T decide what to wear. Do you like me better in a polo or a button-down?**

She replied.

**Button-down.**

I put the blue button-down on and waved goodbye to my parents. The waved back and we didn't say another word. I put a Camel Light in my mouth and opened the door. Hazel Grace was in the passenger seat and Mrs. Lancaster got out to say hi and help me with my bag.

"Always a pleasure to see you, ma'am." Once everything was in the car I opened the backseat door and started the complicated process of getting into the car. When I bent down I felt the familiar cancerous pain in my hip and I thought to myself; _It's not just there. It's everywhere._

"Do you want shotgun?" Hazel Grace asked me. I didn't want her to know. Not yet.

"Absolutely not. And hello, Hazel Grace."

"Hi," She said. She looked back at me with those hypnotizing green eyes. "Okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay." Mrs. Lancaster got into the car.

"Next stop, Amsterdam."

* * *

><p>Actually the next stop was the airport parking lot and then airport waiting line and then the plan and so on. The standing in line part made me a little tired. I could feel the pain in my legs but I tried hard to ignore it.<p>

"Observation: Standing in line is a form of oppression. Seriously." I said. Hazel Grace wanted to walk through the metal detector, without her oxygen tank. I watched her as she slipped the tubing off around her ears. She was wearing a pink tank top, jeans and a black cardigan and her chuck taylors. Her hair was tucked behind her ears. She looked as if she was holding her breath as she took the few steps through the machine the declared she was a none metallic person. After ten seconds she sat down on a bench and laced the tubes around her ears and placed the nubbins back in her nose. That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt. Mrs. Lancaster looked at her with concern in her eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Hazel Grace said.

"Amsterdam!" Mrs. Lancaster practically shouted. Hazel Grace smiled.

"Amsterdam."

* * *

><p>We got to the gate about an hour before our scheduled boarding time.<p>

"Mrs. Lancaster, you are an impressively punctual person." I said. I sat down beside Hazel Grace on the bench.

"Well it helps that I am not technically very busy." She said.

"You're plenty busy." Hazel Grace said. Time passed and soon the benches started filling up. People walked by and I felt like they were looking at us. At me. I could feel there eyes on me. My foot started to tap against the ground impatiently. Why weren't the calling us in.

"I'm gonna get a hamburger before we leave. Can I get you anything?" I asked Hazel Grace. I knew it was close to boarding time but I just had to get out of there. Everyone was just looking at us as if we had some disease... which we did.

"No," She said, "but I do appreciate your refusal to give in to breakfasty social conventions." I tilted my head, looking at her in complete and utter confusion. Mrs. Lancaster leaned forwards.

"Hazel has developed an issue with the ghettoization of scrambled eggs." She said.

"It's embarrassing that we all walk through life blindly accepting that scrambled eggs are fundamentally associated with mornings." Hazel Grace said. I smiled. God she's amazing.

"I want to talk about this more," I said. "But I am starving. I'll be right back." And I walked away. I headed down towards the McDonalds in the airport. The line wasn't super busy and I had some time so I leaned against the wall and took out my phone. I called Isaac. He answered on the third ring.

"Hello?"

"Update #1, I am really going to miss American food." I said with a smile.

"You're only going for a few days, Gus. I'm sure you'll survive."

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"Don't joke about that." Isaac said seriously.

"Sorry." I changed the subject.

"I am about to have a very serious conversation with Hazel Grace over the ghettoization of eggs." I said.

"Wait, what?"

"See, she was saying that eggs should not always be associated with the breakfast group which I can understand. Its a stereotype when you really thing about it. But then she's forgetting eggs in other meals like egg salad sandwiches. I mean, that's a lunch related meal." I said.

"What are you talking about?" Isaac asked on the other end.

"Many things my friend." Isaac sighed.

"Funny. Well, have fun in Amsterdam with your girlfriend." Isaac said.

"She's not my girlfriend," I said. "Well, she doesn't want that. She doesn't want to put me in that kind of position because she think she'll hurt me if she bites it from cancer... but I guess I'll be the one hurting her now, won't I?" Isaac was quiet on the other end.

"You should just not think about that and go enjoy your trip." Isaac said. I sighed.

"You're right."

"Of course I am. I'm a freaking genius." Isaac said. I laughed. I heard them announce our flight number over the PA.

"I gotta go. See you."

"Bye." I hung up and quickly bought a sandwich. As I was attempting to speed walk all the way back to our gate, I received a text from Hazel Grace.

**Where are you?**

I didn't reply. I tried walking faster. I could feel my chest on fire. My lungs working too hard. The pain in my hip spreading down to my legs. For a moment I worried that something might happen in Amsterdam. What if it ruined the trip. I shook my head. No. I won't let that happen. Just as someone was announcing that they were preboarding people who might need extra time to get on the plane, I reached Hazel Grace.

"Where were you?" She asked.

"Line was super long, sorry." I lied. I wanted to slap myself for saying that. I offered her my hand and pulled her up. Why did I have to lie? Just say that you didn't want people staring at you. As we made our way into boarding I could feel everyone in the boarding area watching us as we made the slow trek up there. I reached our row on the plane and I took the seat by the window. Once we were settled in, other people started streaming into the plan. I started unwrapping my burger. The smell of it making my mouth water.

"The thing about eggs, though," I started to say. "is that breakfastization gives the scrambled egg a certain sacrality, right? You can get yourself some bacon and cheddar cheese anywhere anytime, from tacos to breakfast sandwiches to grilled cheese, but scrambled eggs- they're important." Hazel Grace shook her head.

"Ludicrous." She said, staring at me.

"I'm just saying: Maybe scrambled eggs are ghettoized, but they're also special. They have a place and a time, like church does." I said.

"You couldn't be more wrong," She said. "You are buying into the cross-stitched sentiments of your parents' throw pillows. You're arguing that the fragile, rare thing is beautiful simply because it is fragile and rare. But that's a lie, and you know it." She said. I smiled.

"You're a hard person to comfort."

"Easy comfort isn't comforting. You were a rare and fragile flower once. You remember." I was silent for a moment and then I smiled at her.

"You do know how to shut me up, Hazel Grace."

"It's my privilege and responsibility." She said. Before she could turn away from me I started talking again.

"Listen, sorry I avoided the gate area. The McDonald's line wasn't really long; I just... I just didn't want to sit there with all those people looking at us or whatever."

"At me, mostly." She said. Was it that? People probably looked at Hazel Grace and wondered why she had to drag the tank behind her. Me? I could hide my disease from the world. If you looked at me you probably wouldn't notice anything wrong with me.

"Augustus Waters, noted charismatist, is embarrassed to sit next to a girl with an oxygen tank." She said.

"Not embarrassed," I said. "They just piss me off sometimes. And I don't want to be pissed off today." I dug into my pocket and flipped open my pack of cigarettes. Seconds later a blond stewardess practically ran over to our row.

"Sir, you can't smoke on this plan. Or any plane." She said with a distressed look on her face.

"I don't smoke." I said with the cigarette dancing in my mouth. She just looked at me.

"But-"

"It's a metaphor," Hazel Grace said. "He puts the killing in his mouth but doesn't give it the power to kill him." She looked right at us with a confused expression on her face.

"Well, that metaphor is prohibited on today's flight." She said. I nodded and put the cigarette back in it's pack.

* * *

><p><strong>How was it? Let me know! I appreciate all feedback:) Thanks and if I don't update later soon I hope you all have a great New Year's Day! <strong>

**Okay?**

**~Wallflower95**


	11. Chapter 10

**Happy new year everyone! I am so sorry about these updates. My time is very limited now because I am working literally every day. I hope to update at least every week. That's my goal. Anyways, how was everyone's holiday? Got any new year resolutions you want to complete?**

**I just want to say thank you to each and every one of you for all your comments and feedback on this story! I apreciate everything! And you have any thoughts or feedback you would like to provide for me please don't be afraid to tell me! I welcome all feedback so I can make this story the best! :)**

**Thanks guys and enjoy the chapter!**

**Okay?**

**~Wallflower95**

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><p><strong>10<strong>

Okay. I'm not afraid of flying. I'm not. I mean, I can't be because I've never actually been in a plane before. Never in my life. We didn't go on many vacation's pre-cancer and when we did it was always road trips so there was no point in getting into an aircraft that may or may not crash to take you to your destination. I felt the plane engines roaring to life. We were at the runway. I was gripping the the arm rest while looking out the window, watching the airport disappear behind us. We began to accelerate. My knuckles were white from gripping the arm rest. I leaned back in my seat.

"This is what it feels like to drive in a car with you." Hazel Grace said. I smiled but was to busy clenching my jaw to reply.

"Okay?" She said to me. We picked up speed. My hand fell on Hazel Grace's hand that was resting on the arm rest. I look out the window in shock.

"Okay?" She said again. I barely heard her.

"Are you scared of flying?"

"I'll tell you in a minute." I said. I leaned back in my seat and we were in the air. I felt my ears pop. I realized I was holding my breath. I breathed out slowly through my mouth and I leaned forwards to look out the window. Indianapolis was below us. So small I could wipe it out with my finger. Is this real? I felt a big grin spread across my face and I relaxed a bit.

"We are flying." I said out loud. Wow that sounded idiotic but at the moment I didn't really care. We are flying.

"You've never been on a plane before?" I shook my head.

"LOOK!" I shouted. I'm pretty sure every head in the plane turned towards the crazy guy shouting out the window. Oh wait, that's me.

"Yeah, I see it. It looks like we're on a plane." Hazel Grace said. The earth below us shrank. Like it was the same toy miniature set I used to play with when I younger.

"NOTHING HAS EVER LOOKED LIKE THAT EVER IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY!"

I was looking out the window at the miniature toy world when I felt Hazel Grace lean towards me and kissed my cheek. And then I realized, I'm on a plane sitting next to Hazel Grace heading towards Amsterdam.

"Just so you know, I'm right here. Sitting next to you. Your mother. Who held your hand as you took your first infantile steps." Mrs. Lancaster said.

"It's friendly." Hazel Grace said as she leaned towards her mother for a kiss.

"Didn't feel too friendly." I mumbled with a small smile on my lips. I saw her smile, knowing that she heard my comment. This is what I wanted. I know that there's no stopping my cancer. I all I want is to fall in love with Hazel Grace.

* * *

><p>We were soon on another plane in Detroit that would take us straight to Amsterdam. Once the plane was off and we were above our small world we played a romantic comedy movie. We tried timing it just right, being synchronized in our pressing play but my movie started a few seconds before hers. Although I was watching the movie, just out of the corner of my eyes I watched Hazel Grace watching her movie. I saw a small smile on her lips. Her green eyes reflecting the movie screen. For a moment, I saw her glance at me. I tried not to look right at her. She looked back at her screen, the small smile still on her lips.<p>

Mrs. Lancaster and this grand idea that we'd take sleeping pills and sleep for the rest of the flight so we'd be right to take on Amsterdam as soon as we got there. Within seconds of taking the pill, Mrs. Lancaster was out. I guess for two teenagers who've been drugged up a lot at hospitals don't really get knocked by sleeping pills like normal people.

The two of us stayed up, looking out the window. It was a clear day, and although the sun was not setting where we were, it was setting somewhere else.

"God, that is beautiful." Hazel Grace said.

"'The risen sun too bright in her losing eyes.'" I said, reciting a line from An Imperial Affliction.

"But it's not rising."

"It's rising somewhere." I answered.

"Observation: It would be awesome to fly in a superfast airplane that could chase the sunrise around the world for a while."

"Also, I'd live longer." She said. I looked at her, probably with a stupid questioning look on my face.

"You know, because of relativity or whatever." I'm still confused. God, she is way to smart for me. Honestly I feel like a moron next to her. Especially cause I'm a year older and she's the one who's in college and I'm still in high school. How embarrassing.

"We age slower when we move quickly versus standing still. So right now time is passing slower for us than for people on the ground." She said. I smiled at her.

"College chicks. They're so smart." She rolled her green eyes. I hit her with my actual real knee and she hit me back with her knee.

"Are you sleepy?"

"Not at all."

"Yeah. Me neither." She said. Same for her, drugs just don't work on us anymore.

"Want to watch another movie?" I asked. "They've got a Portman movie from her Hazel era." I said.

"I want to watch something you haven't seen."

We ended watching this movie called _300_. A war movie about 300 Spartans who protect Sparta from and invading army of Persians. A movie about blood, sacrifice, glory and victory. It was like Max Mayhem meets _300. _My movie started before Hazel Grace's again. In the movie, some guy got his hand chopped off.

"Dang!" I said out loud. It was a glorious movie and I was really enjoying myself.

"Fatality!" After some time, Hazel Grace leaned over and put her head against my shoulder so she could watch my movie. I smiled a little when I felt her head against my shoulder. Towards the end of the movie, when it was getting really awesome, Hazel Grace spoke.

"How many dead people do you think there are?" I waved at her, trying not to be rude. I just couldn't miss this incredible ending.

"Shh. Shh. This is getting awesome." I said. The Persians were literally climbing a mountain of bodies, fighting the Spartans until there was no one left. It was amazing. I felt Hazel Grace's head lift off my shoulder as I watched the movie. She was watching me watch the movie. I didn't mind.

Once the credits were rolling I took off my headphones and looked at Hazel Grace.

"Sorry, I was awash in the nobility of sacrifice. What were you saying?"

"How many dead people do you think there are?" She repeated.

"Like, how many fictional people died in the fictional movie? Not enough." I joked.

"No, I mean, like, ever. Like, how many people do you think have ever died?" I smiled because happen to know the answer to that question. Grade 12 student to the rescue!

"I happen to know the answer to that question," I said proudly. "There are seven billion living people, and about ninety-eight billion dead people." I said. Hazel Grace's expression practically fell.

"Oh." She said.

"There are about about fourteen dead people for every living person." The movie credits kept rolling and Hazel Grace was still leaning against my shoulder, pondering what I have said.

"I did some research on this a couple of years ago. I was wondering if everybody could be remembered. Like, if we got organized, and assigned a certain number of corpses to each living person, would there be enough living people to remember all the dead people?" I had done this research during my diagnosis. At time, I was afraid cancer was going to win and I had wanted to make sure that maybe, just maybe the memory of me would be remember by enough people who actually gave a damn about me.

"And are there?" She asked me.

"Sure, anyone can name fourteen dead people. But we're disorganized mourners, so a lot of people end up remembering Shakespeare, and no one ends up remembering the person he wrote Sonnet Fifty-five about."

"Yeah." There was a moment of silence.

"You want to read something?" I blurted out. I wanted to kick myself (again). Why ask her that? Stupid. I just wanted to listen to her voice. She has this voice that just makes you want to stop and listen forever.

Hazel Grace was reading this super long poem called Howl by Allen Ginsberg for her poetry class while I was re-reading An Imperial Affliction.

"Is it any good?" I ask her.

"The poem?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah it's great. The guys in the poem take even more drugs than I do. How's AIA?"

"Still perfect," I said. It's true. This book is... amazing. "Read to me."

"This isn't really a poem to read aloud when you are sitting next to your sleeping mother. It has, like, sodomy and angel dust in it." Hazel Grace said. I supressed a laugh. This girl never ceases to amaze me.

"You just named two of my favorite pastimes. Okay, read me something else?"

"Um," She looked nervous, shy even. "I don't have anything else?"

"That's too bad. I am so in the mood for poetry. Do you have anything memorized?"

"'Let us go then, you and I," She began reciting nervously. "'When the evening is spread out against the sky/ Like a patient etherized upon a table."

"Slower."

"Um, okay. Okay. Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, / The muttering retreats / Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels / And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shell: / Streets that follow like a tedious argument / Of insidious intent / To lead you to an overwhelming question... / Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" / Let us go and make our visit.'"

It was like I was transported into another world when she spoke. I suddenly wasn't on the plane. Her voice, so soft and gentle. So beautiful.

"I'm in love with you." I said quietly.

"Augustus."

"I am." I said, staring right into her green eyes. She is so beautiful.

"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout in the void, and oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."

There. I said it. I don't care if I'm dying... I love Hazel Grace. I love how she's smarter than me and that she's funny and beautiful and she doesn't even know it. I like that she's a vegitarian so she can minimize the deaths she responsible for and I like she just herself and she doesn't try hard to fit in. I like that she is Hazel Grace. She is perfect in every way.

"Augustus." She said quietly. She looked sad. She doesn't want to be with me, to spare me. What she doesn't realize is she won't be hurting me at all. I will be hurting her. I don't want to do that to her but all I know is I want to spend the rest of my living days with her.

She just looked at me and I looked at her and then I turned away, pretending to sleep. I don't expect her to say anything now. She just needs time. All I want is for the trip to go well.


End file.
